“It’s a match!” Tinder proclaimed. And the app was right – from the moment I walked into the bar for our first date and spotted him, I was smitten. Three weeks after we met, I lost my job and from there, the intensity of the relationship skyrocketed, culminating in “I love you” after two months of dating. I fell in love faster and harder than ever before – it may have seemed reckless to others, but it felt unstoppable to us. We spent all our time together and the chemistry was wild, but the passion also manifested itself in fiery arguments. It was tumultuous, with incredible highs and crashing lows – and before I knew it, I was alone again.
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It’s that time of year when your social media feeds fill with photos of stunning overseas landscapes. Your friends raise their wine glasses; they make peace signs underneath famous monuments; they pose with friendly locals, grins plastered across their faces.
Envy is a normal reaction to such images, or inspiration for future trips. But what about sadness, pain, longing, isolation?
I’ve never been very good at fixing things. I changed a light bulb for the first time when I was 26. The string fell off my favourite backpack and I don’t know how to put it back in, so I’ve relegated it to the back of my wardrobe where it’s gathering dust. I’ve had boyfriends fix things for me before because I didn’t know how. Broken things frighten me.
Two months after a major breakup, I was feeling reckless in a foreign city. A few Tinder swipes later, I was knocking back cheap beer and pizza with a cute guy, and all of a sudden it was hot breath and fumbling hands in his dark, tiny bedroom. It was my first spontaneous hookup, and it felt both thrilling and alien. But when he tried to penetrate me, I froze. “It’s not working,” he said, confused. I didn’t know how to tell him. We tried a couple more positions before we stopped because of what I’d known all along – I physically couldn’t do it.
I was coming up on six months unemployed, scraping by on the slow trickle of freelance pay and experiencing serious interview burnout, when I landed the job of my dreams. It was too perfect – after years of feeling bored at work, I was finally challenged. I loved the fact that I was learning and growing, and even when the work was tough, I felt confident I could learn and grow into what they needed. I adored my colleagues and, for the first time ever, I looked forward to going to work every day. Quite simply, I was in love.